From Albert Aug 5, 1997 Roto-heads, Last week, the Panzas dropped under the 60 point level, and the BallBusters were a scant 10 points behind and gaining. And the BB's were licking their chops at the prospect of some head-to-head action during the week. Well, yes, boys, I do believe that that sound you hear is, in fact, the Fat Lady singing! The BB's deserve a lot of credit... their pitching was terrific. My excellent ERA of 3.0 was bested by their 2.2. And my superb total of 6 wins was NOT enough to beat back their 7 wins. And they ran circles around my leadfoots on the basepaths, crushing me in SBs. But my .320 BA, 5 more Saves from my two relievers, SIXTEEN HRs (what's the one week record?), and FORTY NINE RBIs were too much for the BBs. So, not only do the Panzas eke out a 4-3 win for the week, but further pad their lead on the league. SIXTY SIX points is a high water mark that has never been seen before, and probably will never be seen again in any 10 man, 7 category lead. We are talking about AMAZING stats, fellas. My WORST standing in any category is tied for SECOND in SBs. Mind boggling. I don't suggest that I can keep up this giddy pace. Castillo of FLA has not seen the playing field all week, and I can't remember his last SB. Lankford is limping and out, and Al Benes just went on the DL. I still won't finish w/ over 60 points. But remember the day the Panzas hit Double Sixes... it will never be seen again! Albert ******************************************************************* From Willo, May 14, 1997 Subject: Punishment is Due After rereading my last two tirades to The Hans and The Gabes I've reached the following conclusions... -Comments were totally out of line -The accusations did not recognize all the good efforts that have been accomplished to date -An apology is due -Punishment is expected I apologize for this unruly behavior. It was a reaction to the Ballbusters whipping the Hogmen according to the 'Zahmhall' stats but losing according to all other stats of reference. The emotional reaction was not kind and does not meet the ethic standards of the Roto-owners. I have performed this injustice and acknowledge that appropriate punishment should be forthcoming. Although I do not want to bias your condemnation ideas I offer the following sentences: -Have me be the chimp that goes to the moon -Maintain, at my expense, all future baseball stats -Force me to play Hans a no stroke $20 nassau -Allow me to introduce Johnny Firstplace to food that actually contains meat -Impose a "no abuse" ban on me for the remainder of the season -Require me to be especially kind to The Gabes and The Hans -Direct me to fund an Andy 'drink till he pukes" binge I humbly await my penance. I'm assuming however that I have proper appellate rights if necessary. The Humbled Willo ------------------------------------------------------------------------ From John, April 15, 1997: Date: Tue, 15 Apr 1997 12:50:49 -0400 (EDT) Subject: Re: rats on top Now boys, dont any of you panic. I know that it's hard for any of you to accept that some hick from out west really rules the heap. But, it's early in the year. Daryl Strawberry can still come back and have a monster year. Fielder will stop eating eventually and will hit a few out. I see that big Mo Vaughn got his first RBI last nite, so he's just starting on a tear. Mesa aint going to jail so his saves should start to pile up. Sosa and the boys cant continue to hit .175. It stopped snowing in Chicago and raining in NY, so all your players who missed games or grew timid in the cold will finally get a chance to strut. But gee, it's great to be in first. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- From Willo, April 4, 1997: Subject: The true analysis Hello all you baseball fanatics. Willo Cosell checking in to tell it like it has been over the past few days. First on the personal side. Bobby D., it is nice to believe that you are alive. After reading the E-Mail you sent however I believe that possibly you have left on a train to memory lane and that you were celebrating the Easter resurrection in some bizarre fashion. Talk logical..boy.. or unite with the other 39 in the Halebopp lear jet. Speaking of Halebopp and the gang of 39...Albert...thoroughly enjoyed your San Diego employment opportunity. I think you or the Devlin should apply. Also have you taken a look at your stellar baseball team? 'O'fers for the Strawman and McRae. Still high on both of them? Also Alan Benes and Pete Schourek seem to be in mid season form. Mr. Andrew Jackson. I noticed the Fox seemed to have forgotten your namesake, that being the Jackson we bet on Ripkin vs. your boy (and I mean a boy) Larry Damon. Did you happen to wimp out of this or was it the ICCC slipping in his job duties. BTW send my congratulations to Mr. Bell, King, Klesco, and especially Lofton for their fabulous starts. Also Steve Trachsel and Jeff Montgomery seem to be your aces, that is, if your talking about double digit ERAs. The Gutturial Gabes.... Book a hamilton between you and I on HRs and RBIs. Also please advise the Chicago connection, Sandberg and Dunston, that they need to get some hits (and not the kind you get at the girlie joints) so that you can get some offensive stats. It seems to me your draft steal was Mel Rojas. He will most likely be stealing your ERA dreams. Oh Fox oh mighty one.... Keep that team batting average of .176 cooking. Yes, I know its early but I also subscribe to the McDoormat theory that once the AL was introduced, The Villanova mainframe went tilt, and with it the knowledge of the Fox. Also keep dreaming about the trade that ain't going happen. The Golfer, Hans.... I hope you didn't have the 30"inches of snow that we had. You need to get out on the links in order to forget your pathetic baseball team. There was hope before the season began. First its Ventura, then its Greene, now it's a team BA of .226, anchored by Ellis, had one good season, Burks, and Mr., can't get a hit, Zeile. Get a good night of sleep however dwelling about a pitching staff anchored by Alvarez and Ritz and their over 7 ERAs. Mr. Elite, the true partnerear... Hope you can negotiate better than you can pick baseball teams. An outstanding start by your entire team, particularly Mr. Nixon and the I man Rodriguez. Also the armor of Mr. Maddux may be thinning witnessing his unstellar debut. But you have business exploits to take your mind off this pitiful performance. Rest well knowing that The hogmen will keep you abreast of your season failures. Sobo.... And people at work say people from Texas are dumb. Congrats on your roaring beginning. It seems as though your hitters are hitting and your pitchers..well..they just don't pitch. I'm beginning to think that you may believe that the way you win the lowest ERA is to pick pitchers that don't pitch. Well we will see how good your ERA is after the weekend ends. I'll wager you a sidebet that your current 1.04 ERA grows significantly. And Johnny Goodtimes. The other night when you were looking at the stars did you see those two blasts from the Griffey? If you did not give Andy a call and he'll tell you all about the hanging Cone curveballs. Congrats to you also for a commendable start..And you have pitchers pitching... Mr. McGoo.... I took one look at your team and the laughs were so loud that I decided you have many other things to focus on this summer other than this inept team. Therefore I will save you the embarrassment of reporting on your over the hill gang. If you disagree with this assessment lets sweeten that team wager. Until next week..... Willo Cosell.................. *************************************************************************** Gabes and Albert sweetened a head to head contest with an additional lincoln and hamilton. Albert won. Their comments: ===================================================================== Gabes Wow, that was exciting! For the record, you smokes me in SBs (10-5) and ERA (3.4 vs 4.4). We tied in Saves, and I beat you handily in Wins (5-3). The action was in the batting stats. I beat you BA by .004, HRs by 1, and RBIs by 1. Do you realize that if one of your players had hit a two run homer, my 3-0 lead in those categories would have been 2.5 - .5 in YOUR favor? And you would have beaten me for the week. Oh, well... Al, Yes it was exciting and congratulations to you on winning. The Ballbusters are good sports and good losers! In case you missed it, Ellis Burks made a leaping catch at the wall in Sunday's game to rob Bagwell of a two run yarder. I saw the replay on ESPN on Sunday night. That play was the difference in our bet. That said, don't ever mention the name of that dumb, motherbleepin', Burks to me again! Gabes