[Edited slightly to allow posting - Fox]
Having had the opportunity to visit a backwoods western Tennessee town a few weeks ago with my kids travel baseball team, I can assure you that I know trailer trash when I see it. Here’s my predictions for your sad collection of baseball misfits this summer:
#12—Hans—I love you, pal (that’s what all the hillbillies say before they **), but you gotta stop reading yesterday’s newspapers. Live in the past and the future ****s you. You are ****ed. You should have been looking at projections for this summer when you picked your team and not the grades players turned in last year. Let’s look at the offense, or lack thereof, first. Some nice little speed, but where’s the beef? Oh, I forgot, Pierre has been lifting all year and he’s gonna hit 50 yard balls. Aaron Rowand? Come on, buddy. Desi Arnaz in the middle? LUUUCCCCYYYY! Joey Randa? Big power there. Mauer does not equate to power. Pedro was a nice pick, but you looked at the past again with Loaiza and Zambrano. Padilla is high on Tequilla? Ben Franklin? Sushi Ishii? Perhaps you should consider changing your team name to the Possum Droppings because this team is gonna stink up the joint and play dead all summer.
#11—Fox—What was you thinkin’, boy? As the hillbilly told me in Tennessee, “We keep ****ing our sisters and then wonder why our kids have no teeth!” This team has no bite at all. Coco Crispies? Little Julie made that pick, right? Broussard will make no one ****. Burrell weighs more than his lifetime batting average. Fullmer? Stop it, please. I say Kotsay Stinkssay. Remember the one year wonder, Brady Anderson? You were using Hans’ system when you picked Javy, right? Notice who is ranked below you. So who’s the offensive savior? Dye? You’re living a lie. Now let’s look at the staff. Gagne? Hey, everybody has at least a couple of teeth. Beckett and Pavano? The Marlins were good last year, pal. Where you gonna find wins this year? Oh, that’s right. Either the Expos or Pittsburgh will make it to the World Series and Ohka and Acevido are each gonna win 20 games. Kolb in Milwaukee? Colby cheese has more bite. This mess will be the Toothless Foxes in 2004.
#10—Prep—You’d be ranked lower than this, but you let Vladdy slip to me, and for that I owe you something, you jack ass! Speaking of a jack ass, your team is gonna get whupped like a rented one. The first cane on your ass came when you took Pierzynski with pick #78. What a jack ass! Your middle is thinner than Twiggy’s. Bill Mueller will have you back at the Miller’s by All Star break. Raul Mondesi? There’s an overachiever for you. Dave Roberts might be getting The Donald’s line with Bradley now in LA. Schilling and Brown are nice, but your other starters? You jack ass! Nice closers. You did well in one category. Just one, you jack ass. Appropriately named, this team is the Jack Asses!
#9—Mags—Bombers might be an appropriate name, but not for the reason Mags thinks. Perhaps the name Jalopies fits this team best. Just like the dilapidated old autos in front of every trailer, this team is filled with broken down old farts. Two pitchers are old ****s, Johnson and Woody. Maddux, Glavine, and then Boom Boom? Bye, Bye. The closers are Riske. Rondell White’s good for about 90 games. Shawn’s become a yawn, and Floyd always pulls a ‘toid. Good thing Bradley’s got his head on straight! Get back Loretta! Jimmy Rollins will have Mags in the Tom Collins by the Break. Meet the 2004 edition of The Jalopies.
#8—Andy—This team will be known as The Trailer Curtains. Why? Well, trailer curtains hide the crap behind them, and this trailer is filled with Sheets. Pitching is this team’s Achilles. Prior’s out. Schmidt is hurt. Then there’s Painsworth. Eaton’s gonna take a beatin like a red-headed hillbilly stepchild. Everything comes to a closure in this team’s Gravesyard, and where will Urbina find saves with those powerhouse Tigers? Reggie Sanders? Stop it, please, you’re ****ing killing me. The Big Pud? Bend over, Andy. DerBingle at short. LeCrap at catcher. Bamp Roberts at second. Those Trailer Curtains will have my bleep all over them come September.
#7—Jack—This team will be called The Smelly Bleeps. After visiting a Tennessee backwoods town you know the smell. The stench attracts Bug Eyes and puts a stink on your Pudsednick, Johnson, and Woody. The smell makes you delirious and you pick guys like Griffey, Finley, Casey, and Yukstein at UT. You need a Crede-ance Clearwater Revival to save you, but you end up with “Me and Julio down by the Schoolyard”. This team is just plain Lohse.
#6—Ter—No surprise here. This team is a stinkin’ pile of Pig Crap. Terry would like to Winn, but he gonna lose. Digger and En(s)berg will do the play by play as this team stinks up the yard all summer. LaLa and LoLo will blowblow at catcher. Walker and Nen are already on the DL. Gerotten? Millar? Clark Kent and Angels won’t be able to stop the stench of this Pig Crap.
#5—My Girlfriend—You know that’s you, Willo honey. Every guy in a Tennessee town has a girlfriend. Might be your sister, cousin or ma, but you got one. Me? I got me a Willomena. Your middle is soft and skinny, honey, but don’t you worry. [Extended Bleep]
#4—Ikey—This team has a full middle. [Bleep …] Must have met 100 Jones’ in TN. I think they were all related. Same ma. This team has one, too. He good, but Lofton, Gibbons, Gonzo, Alou, and REED JOHNSON? That is one sad, sad outfield. No mo’ Nomo. The Rocket is now just a firecracker. Myers, Weaver and Harden mean one broken down Riviera in front of the trailer with the **** inside.
#3—Al/Anth—These are the Deliverance Boys. We know what they do when they are together. Rocco knows, too. They claim to be going to catch some Reyes and to do some Salmon fishing, but when the day is Dunn they down some Leiter beers and Piazza and then ****. Did you see Damaso Marte’s debut yesterday? It will take some time to get the stink off of his ERA. He let up two taters and three earned runs without recording an out. They’re already calling him Damaso Martater here in Chicago.
#2—Sobo—[Extended Bleep].
#1—The Ballbusters—No trailer trash here. Nothing but class and balance everywhere. Almost every offensive player helps in all five categories. Pitching should be good in wins, K’s and ERA. Should be at or near the top in 8 of 9 categories. The Busters live in the big house up on the hill. You watch come September.
Play Ball!
Gabes