The Envelope Please

The tabulating is over.  The X's and O's have been assessed. It is time for the
2002 Roto version of the Academy Awards.  Please pass the envelopes.

I.  The Power Outage Award – it is unanimous! Mr. Mags easily gathers this
distinguished award for his inept power numbers.  Not only did he finish a
distant last in both HRs and RBIs, he does not want to deal any of his pitchers
to minimize the pain. The in-depth X and O analysis supports this owners
no-trade opinion because this team is so far back that acquiring two 60 HR plus
cleanup men may allow him to only move to second to last place in this category.
 Honorable mention goes to Mr. Puss(y) who almost rivals Mags for ineptness, and
of course, the McPowerless Mazins who also is wondering what went wrong.

II.  The Clubfoot Award – Another unanimous vote – Mr. Preppy or was it Mr. Mel,
rhymes with Smell. They acquired a team that will not be seen in the summer
Olympics. These guys are slow!  Only one player with stolen bases projected
above 20 and then everyone else in single digits.  It is obvious that the
Preppy/Smell strategy was to focus on power and lay low on speed.  But their
power numbers are also very ordinary.  So it appears that the Nuts may be
calling looking for that little black boy that use to run from the police and
now plays major league baseball. A somewhat distant second to worst in this
category goes to Mr. Hans and then our local Scotch expert weighs in at third to
last.

III. The Hitterless Award – This was a very split decision and cannot be awarded
today.  There are too many owners in contention for this recognition of
incompetence.  As the numbers look today, Mr. McMahon has locked up the cellar
with a projected rousing 0.277 average.  And this owner was so happy to get the
sub .250 Gibbons on his team. It is now obvious why he was so happy.  His team
batting average is so awful that not even Gibbons could implode it.  Banging on
the cellar door however are the likes of the UA/Toni disfunctional venture, the
Ike/Scotch combo and Mr. Hinterlands, weighing in from the fields of Oregon. All
of these teams have a reasonable chance of hitting below 0.275 as a team.  

IV.  The Runless Award – Sometimes you lose when you bank on the losers of
tomorrow.  That is what happened to Uncle Al and his sweetheart Toni in this
category.  Their strategy was to focus on HRs, and RBIs and then Runs Scored
will follow.  Unfortunately they experienced a power outage and the runs scored
outage followed.  Boys, don't waste your time looking at the box scores this
summer, the numbers will just not be there.  A close second is this category
goes to Mr. Mags with Terrence staking out a third to last claim.

V. The Struck Out Award – Not even close – To none's surprise this category was
sewed up before the draft was half over.  The daddy of the draft, with his harem
of advisors, decided to ignore this category while absentmindedly punting
several others.  It is rumored that he was too busy providing hummers while the
other owners were slamming his ladies for free.  Even when one includes Mr.
Prior's 400 strikeouts, The Struck Out Crown goes to none other than Mr. Venn. 
Other inept notables in this area include The Uncle Albert team and Mr. Hans. 
 
VI. The Winning isn't Everything Award – Although the category of wins is
difficult to predict because of the luck, timing and run support involved, it is
not surprising that this owner receives another salute for his managerial
incompetence.  (Start the drum roll).  “For management ineptness in the area of
wins, the award goes to none other than Mr. Blue, our Clueless Umpire, Mr.
Mazin.”  Yes. It is amazing that someone could pick the likes of Duckworth,
Ainsworth, Padilla, etc. This team has three pitchers that may scratch out
twelve wins.  But do not dismay, you will have competition from the Busters. 
That is if Prior registers his 30 plus wins even though he'll only be called up
by the All Star game.

VII. The Error in Reasonable Analysis or ERA Award – Actually this is one area
where most of the owners may register a team ERA that is less than 4.0. However
there are three very big exceptions.  Mr. Sobolewski, the overcooked Tamale from
Piano Texas, registers in with his BIG ERA.  He is one owner that hopes the
likes of Ankiel, K. Wells, Traschsel, Tomko and their BIG ERAs stay in the minor
leagues honing their gopher ball skillet. If not, it may be time to turn off the
TV when they walk out to the mound.   Be forewarned; do not acquire pitching
from the Tamales when they come dealing. Ohhhh, we would be remiss to not
mention the high ERAs predicted for the Vinceables and the Johnny Bad-timers. 
They will share in the pain of the Tamale.

VIII.  The Save It for Later Award – Only one owner ended up with no relievers
and that again was our Scotch speaking and thinking Doctor.  Go for those wins
and strikeouts and punt the save category.  And it looks like it may work.  This
is an owner who lets his liquor do his talking and it appears that he will be in
the upper third for both wins and K's.  Unfortunately he is dead last in saves,
which averages out to the mid-category for all three. So owners, next time you
are in a liquor store, pick up a bottle of Scotch and repeat after me:  “This
save is for Ike!” And Fox thanks for picking only one reliever and punting this
category.  It is a mistake you will regret come October.

VIII. Greatness Award – “Yes.... thank you for the applause.... The H'Men intend
on wearing the crown with pride and humility.  They apologize that they had to
swat the Foxes away at the last minute but the Foxes were their only
competition.  Please instruct the Brinks Truck driver to dump off at the normal
location all that Zahmbie money that was collected.”

It is hoped that next year the other Roto-owners will again demonstrate their
lack of knowledge and show their strong willingness to contribute to the coffers
of the H'Men.  Until then, please do not act surprised when the Willo comes a
calling for his funds.  

Fearless Forecaster