Let The Funding Begin

Before I launch into the only factual true recap of roto-madness let it be known that the Albie reign has ended, our declared Bitch Mother will not only be bitchless but penniless and…what draft was McDoormat recapping? As you all know by now the Hogmen had to take it upon themselves to remove the Panzas from the roto-pinnacle, brush aside all those roto-wannabees and show everyone the true definition of success.

After a thorough assessment of the results while lounging around the golf grills in Phoenix here are the facts. For those of you that desire a quantification of your results, ala Sobo’s piece of bleep, please submit $25 addressed to the ‘King of Rotoball.’

In the parlance of Fantasy Island it is obvious that there were five levels of success;

I.. The losers who should not have been invited….

1. Doctor, doctor, you are going to need an MD, can you tell me what was ailing you? An absolute horrible collection of misfits. The good news is your offense cannot get much worse. No power, no speed, no batting average, but then you do have Pedro and Derek Lowe. Maybe they can switch leagues and get you some at bats. You should be ashamed. I would offer you a bet but it would be like stealing from the mentally impaired. But then…I’ve got bills to pay too…

2. The mouth from the Midwest – Terry, don’t believe that positive bullshit that Andy has thrown your way. He is only looking for sucker action. Your pitching staff could only get worse if you could exchange a couple of players with Gabes or Fox. Last in K’s, Last in wins, close to Last in ERA. Stop reading the box scores after you get through the offense results. There will not be any good news in the pitching arena. How bout some added sucker action??

3. The Preppy Contingent – It is amazing how two heads can double the mistakes of one. Another disgusting effort….Does half of your team even play in the major leagues?. Where’s the beef? Will spend the season basement dwelling in the power and batting average categories. But then you do have a couple of farm boys who can run. You may want to ask them how they can get help you speed through this season. Enjoy your local ragtag. Next year, splunge for a paper and read about the major leagues.

II Losers who should have known enough to stay home…..

1. Mags – I understand you were under a lot of stress. I know you had to turn picks around within six hours. If I knew that that stress would have resulted in this I would have lobbied for your cause. Did the lack of electricity in California cause your offensive power outage? Where is the beef? Alou?, Scott Rolen who spends more time with the chiropractor then a hitting instructor?, Biggio – put the fork in him. Focus your time looking for stolen bases because there won’t be any joy in the power areas.

2. Johnny – Stay with looking for worms. What a pitching staff! Did they not teach you in the hinterlands that the objective of this league is to score well in all categories? Pathetic in home runs, no RBI’s, may have more wins than runs scored, awful, awful. But then again you do have a pitching staff that may provide you security in those categories. Did not know if you knew this but an overall score of 35 from a pitching staff and meaningless values from your offensive morons will guarantee you another lost effort. I’ll bet you two fishes against your five night crawlers that you team sucks.

III. Don’t bring your overnight bags…..

a. Andy – It all starts with the McDoormats. “Oh my God I have a good team” was what he said every time I had to call him. The only thing he did not understand was that the draft was only half over and he had no pitchers and no infielders/catchers. And then reality set in and the sky fell. He is probably the only owner who is going to pray that half of his team is demoted to the minor leagues because there would be additions though subtractions. It is obvious that this owner likes to gamble. Suzuki? -stay with the motorcycle, Berkman -will he play?, Neife Perez - stick a knife in him!, Floyd -a completely broken boy, Matt Williams - a 1991 busted stud. Where does it end? And what a speedy team! He should challenge them all to a relay race. Maybe he would win. This owner should undoubtedly spend a little more time on the ball diamonds improving his roto-acumen.

b. Fox – An awesome team. Too bad there are categories other than stolen bases, batting average and runs scored. Yea you’ve cornered the market on those lean players who know how to run after stealing the groceries. But where are the grocery carriers. You have a definite power blackout. Also you should enjoy your flamethrowers high ERA. What were your students telling you? It is suggested that you advise them that in the future they need to think beyond one dimension which is all your team is this year. But then again Sobo may be dealing Griffey??

c. Gabes, our sexual deviant – rumor is that Gabes loves bleep bleep. And that is the persona of this group of wannabees. What strategy!! Go for the power, go for the offense… who cares about pitching. This owner doesn’t mind cleaning up after others. Well when they turn back the Sheets, and see a Right, or is it a wrong; a Harnisch or is it a hard-on; and an already Eat’on, they will immediately recognize the failure, again, of this owners strategy. Going for mastery in power categories and failure in the rest leads to other than first place finishes and more bleep. And by the way, book that $100 against this bunch of losers.

d. And then there are the Pansy’s….a.k.a. the 2001 Blanks. Bring on the geritol. What great picks! Bonds,,,,Walker,,,Larkin,,,,Surhoff,,,,Thome,,, Wickman,,, reminiscent of the 1992 all star game. Were you getting Bill Clinton type bleeps when you were making these picks? Bring on the vitamins? Nooo, Mr. Panza you do not acquire a bonus for picking grandfather boomers. Your team has the potential to spend more time at Alzheimer meetings than baseball practices. How much money can you afford to lose? And book it baby.

IV.The Almost Good….will experience that painful demise that will be enjoyable to watch.

a. Hans….Clearly a team that may provide some competition…at least until June. And then the meltdown: bring on Carl Everett’s tantrums; how about Alfonseca’s without question demotion to the bullpen; Randy Wolf – he will make for a good reserve move; and J. Parque? – this guy will quickly be relaid in the floor of the Boston Garden. We’ll be watching the soaring numbers of your teams’ ERA and will learn from those concrete shoed speed demons. But,, you once again implemented good planning. Just think about it! You will be knocked senseless by the All Star break, just in time for you to help plan Ikey’s Zahmbie reunion. I will enjoy your money.

b. Oh don’t sob so…Sobo! Yes it is over. The days/weeks/months of preparation and you made it. You have again achieved failure. Get those new telephone lines installed; acquire the 5 cents/minute telephone plan and be ready to deal. This owner deals in four dimensions. “I’ll trade you my 25^th pick and two reserve moves and switch picking places with you next year for your tenth pick, assuming he plays in 100 games and steals at least twenty bases.” And if that does not interest anyone there are ten other deals.

Before you deal though you may want to give Rolando a call and ask him when he is leaving that bullpen. Also tell Kenny Rogers to take up folk singing full time. And Caminiti, who are you going to ask in return for him – Babe Ruth? But all in all a pretty good team. Too bad about your piss poor BA; ERA and lack of closers. But then again, there is always the next deal. The tears will flow, Sob Oh!

c. Jack – the surprise of this draft. You are a stud and your team is stellar. What happened??? The doctor must have made all the poor picks leaving the cream for you. You have power, you have speed, you have a pathetic batting average, you have a pitching staff that will not break because it is already broken. But I’ve got hope for you. You are going to the wire…but then the race is over. That is when Jack Kent becomes Jack Spent and experiences his fade. Oh Freddy Maddog – just a matter of days before he begins some rehab; And Pokey – he belongs in a penitentiary not a ballfield. And Sirotka? – has the news about him made it to Indy yet? What an awful pick!. But smile you will be there…..and how happy you will be until you get the eventual first hand feel of your June collapse. How many $$$$ can you afford to lose.

V. Hail the King

Everyone knows it! The elite one is back on top. He took a couple of years off to focus on other things but rest assured the girth is back. A man among girls, or better yet a whore among virgins. Stephen Covey emphasized ‘balance’ and ‘balance there is.’ Power, speed, average, flamethrowers, proven winners, young up and coming studs, where does it end? Awesome! Most likely this race will be over by mid-June. Tell your local priests, you’re going to have to forego those weekly parish contributions because those $$$$ in 2001 will be going to the next Rotoking – the Willo!