Editors Note … Some of the colorful language and imagery were removed to protect the innocent.

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Well, so ends another fun-filled, but intense, two week baseball draft. It’s always one of my favorite times of the year. A big applause should go to Jack, Mags and John (as well as Fox last weekend) for providing provisional picks when they were out of touch.  Now, enough of the pleasantries, it’s time for the cold hard truth. You’re all gonna be my girlfriends this summer!  My projections on final finish:

 

13) PUSSJACKERS—The bleeps in a whorehouse smell better than the  bleeps in Jack’s clubhouse.  You made one great pick, Jack.  I like A-Rod a lot, too.  Other than that, only Sweeney, Kent, Posada and Leiter could play for the Busters.  Finley and  Crime Pooch?  AARP, AARP, AARP!  Ventura, Edmonds and Lofton?  DL and often!  Jason Larue?  Peeyou!  Once again, you got Red happy, but many thanks for taking Graves.  You left Koch and Foulke for the Busters.  Mike Sirotka?  Ever hear of Shouldergate?  Elmer Pud as your final starter?  You needed Sandy Koufax just to climb to 12th. What’s your bra size, honey?

 

12) ELECTRIC PINSTRIPES—There’s Pete, then what?  OK, Hidalgo and Erstad.  Then it’s Code Red, Doc.  Kennedy and Lopez ?  Dial 911.  O’Neil, Finley, Armas, Castillo and Tino? Better start hitting the vino!  Pierre and Bergeron are nice little mice, but where are the big cats who are gonna chase them home?  Ortiz?  Puleese!  Bengie’s a dog!  Crabtrees look nice in back yards, not ball parks.  The UPS guy will be delivering your crotchless panties.

 

11) LEATHERNUTS—You need some better people, in the front office and on the field.  Six Twinkies?!  The only good ones are on other CZahm teams. Outfield looks good on paper, but when you consider that Mondesi, Greer and Juan will be down by the break, you’re left with Glanville, Torii Hunter and Bug Eyes.  Get the fly swatter!  Tony the Bleep?  Had him last year.  Meeouwww!  Joe Mays?  Your people are dazed!  Garter belts have been ordered.  I hope Mel looks good in red!  

 

10) MUCKRATS—Another typical Johnny team. Above average looking until the clothes come off, then you see the small bleeps and flat bleep. Where are all those big bleepbleepers who are gonna hit the three run homers?  Jeffrey’s got a hammie.  Book it!  You got a crush on Randa?  You grab him early every year. Small bleeps and flat bleep.

Adrian’s out til May they say.  Starters are deep, but that’s only three categories.  Williams and Shaw will hold no one in awe.  You snaked Al again with Segui, though. Too bad he can’t hit those three run homers.  Your silky night gown is on its way.

 

9) NOMADS—OF is very suspect, Mags.  Williams is a nice player, but everyone else has a better first outfielder.  Al Martin and Damian Jackson?  This team needs a Billy Martin and Reggie Jackson to compete.  You shoulda taken Gant.  You got the wrong Pedro.  A healthy Biggio?  NO!  Paul Wilson stinks.  I told you he was a dud, not a stud!

You’ll find your initials on some nice lace panties.

 

 

8) RED FOXES—The Fox hole’s a bleepin’ mess!  He’s got Garciapowerless and a second bagger who will be lucky to drive in 25 runs.  Rocker’s a head case and Mateo’s a medical case.  Love Giambi, but there is no Justice or Grace when CyberZahm contestants start to slug it out.  Sheffield may end up hating the Dodgers and the world. If so, Fox will hate him.  Karen Carpenter will get more wins than Chris Carpenter.  No’mo’ Nomo, thanks!  Octavio Dotel?!  I learned from my mistakes, you obviously didn’t.  Red garter belts and fish net stockings are on the way to the Red Fox.

 

7) EXPECTORATORS—Here’s a team the reverse of John’s.  Below average looking, but when the clothes come off the bleeps and bleep kinda impress you.  Good middle infield. Decent corners.  OF with a little pop but poor average because of Burnitz and Vaughn.  Mayne will be a pain but Barrett was a good pick.  Ter showed moments of brilliance taking Zito and D’Amico back to back, but then came picks like Washburn and Mac.  All things considered, a pretty good team for a first year guy, and may the Lord have Mecir on you!  Black thongs have been ordered in your size, Ter.    

 

6) HOGMEN—Yo’ Daddy’s callin’!  Yo’ Daddy’s callin’!  A better team than Willo normally drafts, and that’s good.  I love my women with a false sense of security.  Manny, Ordonez and Brown were no brainers, but Lawton, Ochoa, Agbayucky and Brady Anderson have to be four of the worst bleeping outfielders on any team.  Decent corners, but your middle is soft woman. Person’s arm’s about to fall off.  Todd Ritchie?!  You’re gonna be awfully bitchy.  When Daddy comes calling, make sure you have that pink teddy on, girl!  

 

5) PANZAS—Higher rated than they deserve, but Al gets his props as defending champ. That’s all he’s gonna get this year!  Most of the guys on this team are nicknamed “doc” because they spend more time in hospitals than Ikey.  Al’s also got guys drawing Social Security checks: Bonds, Larkin, Surhoff,  Johnson and Reed.  When Walker goes down (not if but when), those .240 batting averages of Wilson and Stairs are gonna put a real stink on this team’s batting average.  Appier and Reed blow!  So do the bleepin’ Mets! Mercedes?  She’s a porn star, right?  I’m ordering you some black bleep me pumps, Al.  What size do you wear?

 

4) TAMALES—Griffey’s got a hammy.  Busters got Sammy!  You’re swimming upstream with Salmon.  Fisherman know what that means. Kotsay?  No way!  Encarnacion was still on the board and he’ll have the better year.  Caminiti and Sanders?  They’re like the blond bombshell who comes up to you in a bar, grabs your bleep, whispers in your ear that she’s gonna bleep bleep bleep, and then sends you home with bleep.  Teasers!  That’s all they are.  I’ve owned them before, trust me.  You won’t draft them again. Count on two moves there, at least.  Bullpendo Arrojo?  First move!  Gloria Estafan Loaiza? Another move.  Kenny Rogers?  You gotta know when to fold ‘em.  Another move.  One closer?  Ooops. (Prep, you better tell your people to get caller ID.  If the 972 area code starts showing up when the phone rings, don’t answer!)  Sobo, the Tamales are gonna give you indegestion all summer long, tootsie.  Look at the bright side, though, you will win one award this year: Most Minutes on the Clock During the Draft! The panty hose should arrive at your house early next week.

 

3) INVINCIBLES—Hans always drafts well.  Vladdie and Delgado are monsters.  Everett can be too, but he needs a session with Johnny boy.  Needs to find inner peace.  John’s found that, but has he found a piece?  I digress…  Burks is finally in the right league, but Long and  Lankford?  Not Busters, thank the Lord!  Young and Clayton have some upside, but Grudzie and Mueller?  Me thinks they’re just fillers.  Nice catcher tandem, but I like mine as much. Solid starters, but I’ll bet Hans will be giving six fingers the finger by mid season.  I think I’ll try one of those new push up bras on him! 

 

 

2) MAZINS—To quote a great line from The Godfather, “Keep your enemies close and your Main Squeeze closer”.  That’s right, Andy, I picked you out of my harem as the one I’m gonna nail the most this summer, except you’re gonna pay when we go steppin’!  Not a bad offense, but where’s the speed?  Oh, I forgot.  McGwire’s gonna be a 50/50 man this year and Offerman’s gonna steal 40 after getting zero bags last season.  You bleeped up early and late.  You should have grabbed Hidalgo in the second round.  McGwire would have made it back to you. Instead, you ended up with Abreu.  Nice little player, but he belongs on John’s team.  The over/under on Zaun’s taters is 7.  The under’s a bleepin’ lock!  Now let’s examine that pitching staff.  Hampton in tater town… “Rocky Mountain high, see the taters fly.  Rocky Mountain high, watch old Andy cry!”  You won’t get it from Pettite.  Pavano?  He’s scheduled to start throwing again in May, right?  Roberto Hernandez is a big, fat, bleeping pig!  You told me so yourself.  Sturtze and Strickland make three pigs in the pen.  The full outfit for you, girl. All black--push up bra, garter belt, fish net stockings and 6 inch bleep me pumps!   

 

2001 Champs: BALLBUSTERS—Admit it, fellas.  My offense makes your bleep bleep.  Big time power and speed throughout.  Balance everywhere.  Nothing more need be said.  Now, I know some of you may say the Ballbuster pitching is suspect, but let’s take a closer look.  Helling should win 20 games with that potent Texas line-up.  Elarton won 17 last year and got stronger as the season went along.  Ben Sheets?  In case you forgot, he threw a 3 hit shutout against the Cubans last summer, and they could beat the bleepin’ Yankees.  He didn’t do it in just any game either.  He won the gold medal for the U.S. in front of an international audience.  This guy bleeps ice water…”Oh say can you Sheets…!”  Eaton was one of the best young pitchers in the NL last year.  Remember Matt Morris?  He and Ankiel have the best stuff in the Cardinal rotation.  Bulldog Harnisch was 7-1 after the All Star break, and you just watch my Jamey Wright throw the right kinda stuff this summer at Miller Park. Toss in one of the best closer tandems around and it’s time to bleep bleep bleep bleepity bleep all season long.

 

Gabes