All, As you all are well aware, the Mazins eat their breakfast 300 yards from people who want to kill us, or see our ERA climb above 6.00. We have no knowledge of the travel habits of one marine corporal, Santiago, or his .220 batting average. We exist in secret places that have no space in your cocktail party worlds. We exist through words like honor, code, duty, and runners in scoring position. Have you ever served in a front line position? Placed your fate in the hands of a number eight hitting catcher coming off shoulder surgery? We neither ask nor acknowledge your thanks for the place we hold in your lives. You want us on that wall, you need us on that wall. You're damn right you're all about to receive a Code Red. Colonel J.J. Jessop, Mgr. Mazin McDoormats Can you handle the truth? Let's take it in draft order: Jack: One would have thought that a season in Hell would have matured your thought process to a more highly evolved level. Unfortunately, you continue to cling to the dreams of faded yesterday and fantasize that the Big Red Machine will rise again. Jason Larue? Poopey Reese? A-Rod was a great start, but it was all down hill from there. Mediocre hitting, less than average pitching, and a paucity of speed does not a contender make. Near zero upside to this team. Projection - another cellar finish. And how come nobody at Lily knows of your existence? Ikey: We are all glad that you have been busy healing the sick. Now, physician, heal thy team. In near critical condition are Paul O'Neill, Chuck Finley, Tino Martinez, and the ever popular Benjie Molina. Pedro was a great pick, too bad he can't hit cleanup. Who's Colorado's triple A team? I'm just wondering, because I'd like to follow the career of Juan Pierrre. Is Tim Crabtree still married to Spanky's school teacher? Projection - continued languishing near the bottom of the pack. Willo: Very surprising for a tunnel rat. Starting pitching is solid but bullpen help will fall off as soon as Tom Gordon's arm does the same. Casey looks strong at 1B, but Lowell and Cirillo weaken the corners. Middle infield is a joke, nearly as funny as the catching corps. Outfield is strong up front but tired down the stretch in the late draft. Projection: a middle spot in the league, just enough to tease him into wagering again next year. Hopefully, those government funds will continue to flow to the benefit of all others in this league. If this team finishes at the top, John McCain will hold an immediate investigation. Fox: You want to talk rookies? Petrick? Lugo? Mateo? Nice to have them balanced by the senior citizen on your staff, Grandpa Grace. This is the all prick team with Sheffield and Rocker holding places in the hearts of all baseball fans. We are all hoping that Nomar can be back by late August to help you finish the season with a strong run for 5th place. Projection - It's sad. Once a rotisserie legend, now a serious player, Nomo. Prep: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, that's really funny. Minnesota. Ha ha ha ha ha. Twins. Ha ha ha ha ha. You kill me. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, Mel: How bout that Joe Mays pick? Ha ha ha ha ha. Stop it. I can't take it anymore. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Latroy Hawkins. Stop it. Stop it. Pierczynski, ha ha ha ha ha. My sides hurt. Mel: how about this one - Guzman! And Hunter! Stop it! Ha ha ha ha ha. Projection - Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Wait, wait - Radke! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, that's funny. Wasn't Zolio Versailles available? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Mags: Picked up more snakes than a rattlesnake roundup in this draft. A solid contender waiting to be blown by his typical mismanagement quicker than you can say: How's my driving? Dial 1-800-Navy. Watch this ship drop off the radar screen faster than Commander Waddle's career. Astacio? See what I mean? Still, plenty of talent on this team, enough to challenge at the top. Projection - a top four finish as long as he doesn't muck with it too much. John: Nice pitching staff. Solid lineup. Furcal? It seems he really has been paying attention this year. At least I thought so until he tried to draft Nilsson as his catcher. I kept that quiet as long as I could. Now the truth must be told: John is clueless without his roto magazines. A fact that will position his team but not bring it home. More than auto pilot is needed in this league. Projection: Rain in the Oregon hills will continue. That sniffing sound you hear is Sobo. Hans: Nice team. A true contender. Only Ellis Burks can bring this team down. He picked him again? Lankford? Gant? Never mind. Projection: Strong start, weak finish. Maybe a top four, but don't count on it. Sobo: Say girlfriend, make sure you get that blue dress out of the cleaners. Catching: Ausmus/Fordyce - yeah, that scares the hell out of the rest of the league. Corner is solid. Devi Cruz? Carlos Febles? Caminitti? Sanders? Arrojo? Too many holes in this lineup. Watch the scrambling start as soon as the draft finishes. Hold on to your rosters, boys. Sobo will be wheeling and dealing. Projection: Second division finish unless he can rape/rob/pillage/loot some unsuspecting owner into a really bad trade. Fox blows. Be careful, Terry. Prep: give him a couple of Twins. Say, by the way, Sobo, where's your bullpen? Gabes: Never has so little been touted as so much. This guy really believes that Adam Eaton and Ben Sheets were great picks. Harnisch? Morris? Galaraga? How many reserve moves do we get? This team will get about as far as Chuck Knoblauch can throw. Projection: Once his reserve moves are used up, the Busters will start to focus on rotogolf stats. Maybe he'll even present them in a format that is useful for a change. Clearly it will be a long summer in Kenosha. I suggest fishing to take up your time. Take Jamey Wright with you. Terry: Not bad for a rookie. Better than Jack, certainly. Colon, Zito, D'Amico, Ortiz - this kid shows promise. Mayne and Barrett are solid. Nice corner. Above average middle. Lots of upside to the outfield. Projection: This team will challenge for the top spot in its first year. Expect much from the Expectorators. Sobo is licking his chops. Al: Ding Dong, the King will be dead. The end of a roto dynasty. Too many octogenarians, but it's nice that the Panzas management has stuck with the oldsters. Nostalgia has no place in this league, unfortunately. Then again, we are talking about a roto legend, here. Projection: Momentum from previous seasons will carry the Panzas to yet another top division finish. Not enough cajones to get it done, though. Will tire and not factor. That's it. A wire to wire finish for the Mazins is about as certain as the sun shining tomorrow. Anybody got any cash that says it ain't so, speak now or forever hold your wallets. Mazin One.