Well, two fun-filled, intense weeks of drafting are now behind us.  That
means it's time to analyze each team and predict where they'll finish
while this stuff is still fresh in my mind.  Take a seat and buckle up
'cause here 'tis:

The 2000 door mats?  Make them the McDormats.  Let's take a minute and
look at the slop house that Andy's assembled this year.  Crime pooch and
Tino at first.  They both might be put to sleep by the All Star break. 
O'Neill, Canseco and Camininjured?  There's three reserve moves right
there.  Cedeno?  How many green lights is he gonna get batting two in
the order with Bagpipes on deck?  Womack was the guy he should have
taken. Who has him anyway? Oh, that's right.  He's a Buster.  Rickey
Ledee?  What's he gonna play when Edmonds hits the Apple? Pinochle in
the clubhouse?! Then there's that pitching staff.  Wood and Elarton?  At
least two more reserve moves there.  They won't see the bump until May,
and then they'll be on tight pitch counts after that.  Yarnall?  There's
the sixth reserve move. I hear the coaching staff is already using
computers to calculate his ERA. Yes, Andy's gonna be an awfully popular
fella in CyberZahm come October.

Number 11? Take a bow, Jack. Welcome to CyberZahm Rotobaseball. Now,
next year do your bleepin' homework!  Some good early round picks but
then you went ahead and got Red happy.  Bichette?  No more thin air,
pal. Parris? Not a bad pick but you coulda had him later.  Flaherty?  He
should have been your second catcher.  Anderson, Surhoff, Rodriguez and
Bug Eyes in the OF? Get the Raid can, please.  Terry Adams as a closer? 
Well, you get the point.  Shy away from too many side bets but bet the
ranch against Andy.

Number 10? The chilly Tamales.  Can Bagpipes hit 100 taters this year? I
hope so, Sobo.  Derek Bell, Ellis Burps, Carlos Lee and Hidalgo as four
of the six OFs?  Stop it, please, you're bleeping killing me.  I hear
Burks is swinging a mean crutch these days and I can't wait to hear the
Shea bums around mid May when Bell is hitting .220. Maybe there's power
elsewhere in that OF. That's right, Glanville's gonna hit 60.  Febles,
Tejada and Glaus?  Those .245 batting averages can cause some sleepless
nights, can't they?  Rocker? Alfonseca? Run for cover, Preppy, the
Tamales are gonna be spreading some hot gas this summer.

Number 9? Hi, Johnny! Typical Johnny Goodtimes team.  Good average/no
pop/no speed.  Who's gonna steal bases in this line up?  Reggie Sanders?
The over/under on games played for him this year is 90.  I bet the
under. Boone? And at pick 197? Have you noticed that no one other than
you took a 3B as a corner?  Andy and Sobo took one at UT.  See where
they're ranked? Where's the power? Sorry, I forgot that you have Rico.
Nice pitching staff early and then you went and bleeped the whole thing
up.  Remlinger, Karsay and Mcglinchy?  What was you thinkin', boy?

Number 8? Leathernuts.  Didn't like the Pedro pick at one, but then you
backed him up with Mussina, Neagle and Park (who I already had penciled
in on my score sheet).  Everything went down hill from there.  I hear
they are still squeezing the pus out of Estes arm from over-use the last
three years.  Wilson Alverez?  He's a big, fat pig.  I've owned him
before. Trust me, he'll never be a Buster or Nut again.  Three
closers--one decent, one hurt, one shitty. What a pity! It's a
respectable outfield and infield, although you took Zeille way too early
with pick 144 and your offense sure would look a lot better if you had
A-rod at short instead of Grudzielankie.

Number 7? Wake up, Ikey, I'm talkin' to you.  Loved the A-rod pick.  Was
hoping you'd take Belle and A-rod would fall to me.  That's OK, though,
cause I got Jeter and Belle.  Nice little team of gnats you've put
together.  I think they'll fly around the bases quite nicely for you,
but, where's the beef?  OK, you've got Mojo, Rod and Williams, but who
else makes the ESPN highlight films at night?  Lofton was a good late
pick, then again it'll cost you two moves (one to reserve him now and
another to bring him back whenever).  Rather expensive, no?  Like the
Hampton, El Duke and Pavano picks although I think you're rolling the
bones on the Gambler and Carpenter.  Wright?  Sorry, pal, he ain't got
the right stuff. Williamson as a closer?  Graves may close and
Williamson may be the set up man. Oops!

Number 6? My draft buddy Willo and his Hogmen.  Looks like four solid
starters, one with upside and one with a bad wing (two reserve moves
there; one to reserve Schilling and one to bring him back).  One good
closer and two shitty ones.  Aguilera blows.  Is it any wonder why only
one Cub pitcher was drafted?  Aggy will blow at least two or three games
for each Cub starter.  Look for an ERA around 4.0 from him.  Same for
Wickman.  Each guy is a bad week away from losing his job.  Hunter?  No
thanks!  Burrell and Petrick?  Oops, looks like two more reserve moves
there.  Loved the Giambi pick though, I'd take him on my team, but then,
I've got Raffy.

Number 5? The Invincibles.  Williams, Everett and Jordon are studs. 
Dmitri is a nice little average player.  Not sold on Nixon, but then I'm
a Democrat.  I think Hundley will go tatertown a few times, but that
.225 batting average puts a stinkin' on him. Nice pitching staff with
three closers.  In fact, I predict you'll win that category.  Not the
other three pitching categories though, even with the Unit on your team.
The big if on this team is Chippa.  If they remove bone chips from his
elbow during the season, I'm afraid they'll be going right up your ass.

Number 4? The Nuzzahs.  Mags was prepared and drafted just like I
expected him to.  Go for offense first and fill in a staff later.  Good
strategy, but more on that later.  I loves Larry Walker, but I hates the
down time, and it will come.  Vaughn and Encarnacion are good players
too, although those sub .250 averages send me for Tums. Larkin and
Biggio are getting a little long in tooth, no?  Who is Cairo? Tony
Gwynn?  I had him last year. He's a reserve move in waiting.  Does
Lawton remember his name yet? The over/under on Mayne's tater count in
the thin mountain air is 3.  I went with the under.  Two great closers,
no doubt, but how many more saves than anyone else with two?  Wells
isn't a bad ace, but I'd rather have Clemens. Who has him anyway? 
You'll be saying "No mo' Nomo" by July.

Number 3? The Grandfather Fox.  Another guy who went for offense first
and pitching last.  Griffey and Guerrero are studs. Every OF should have
two like them or Bonds and Belle if you want to compete.  Stewart is a
nice little gnat, but others will beat him in stolen bases.  All in all,
a well rounded offense, but Fick will bleep the Foxes. Now let's look at
pitching. The other Martinez, Fernandez and Hitchcock all have chicken
wings.  They are a disaster in waiting at some point during the season. 
Put Dempster in the dumpster (nice line, Mags!).  Four of Foxes six
starters play for terrible teams, another bad sign I'm afraid.  Let's
look at the closers. Wetteland--hurt; Bottalico--washed up;
Graves--Williamson may close!  Oops!

Number 2?  The Panzas.  Yes, even without Smoltz this team should
contend. Why? Power. Al may certainly have a lot of it with some speed
also.  Let's look at the question marks, though.  Hammonds?  I had him a
couple of years ago and he broke my heart.  Huge potential, but he's a
pussy.  Doesn't play hurt. Thomas? Who knows? Henderson? .270 with
declining power and speed is more like it. Can Vinny hit outside of
Colorado?  Is Ankiel still hurtin'? Is Bottenfield a one year wonder? I
say Al will be calling him Rottenfield by September. Can Charles Johnson
hit .250 again?  Yeah, and I'm gonna bleep Jill Ireland on St. Patty's
Day! This team should certainly take on all comers in side action!

Number 1?  Ballbusters.  Yes fellas, get ready because you are about to
see the finest roto team ever assembled.  Let me give you a little
hint.  Don't go for celery sticks in those early rounds when beef
tenderloin is all over the serving table. Go for power and go for
balance.  Look at the Busters and you'll see what I mean.  An outfield
with both power and speed.  An infield with power and speed.  Five
Busters will bat fourth in the order. Three will bat three.  Two will
bat five.  Three will lead off and Jeter will bat second.  Pay up now,
fellas.  Why endure the punishment all summer long? Let's look at
pitching.  Clemens is the ace.  Look for 18 wins, 3.60 and 225 or more
Ks from him.  Hermanson is having a great spring and Irabu is finally
away from the big fat owner.  Benes should be solid in St. Louie. The
Chief will scalp 'em in Safeco. And just you wait and see what my little
Dotel and Trachsel experiments have in store for you this season.  Top
it all off with two pretty solid closers.  Thank you, fellas.  It'll be
nice doing business with you this year.

Play ball!

Gabes