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The Virtual Dorm

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LMS XVI: Week Four - Sanctions in the Cages

Posted: 2009-10-02

Welcome to October. Seasoned cage observers know that the ability to detect changes in the seasons was a critical survival skill for ancient civilizations. Babylonians and Mayans developed complex systems to monitor such seasonal shifts. Copernicus radically altered the thinking of western civilization sometime around 1500 ...

...when he arrogantly offered his theory that the earth revolves around the sun, perhaps a concept that is as marvelous as that of THE ZOOKEEPER discovering that fermented Muscatel grapes have mystic powers. From these earliest days, we now know that the earth rotates around the sun in an elliptical path while tilting on its axis in a plane relative to the path of that orbit. Animals are not capable of knowing any of this hard science stuff or why this is so. They just know that it is time for WEEK FOUR.

Those of you who have been freed from your cages may now take in the changing scenes of nature on weekend walks through the crisp fall air, marveling at the annual majesty that unfolds around you, taking the cool air deep into your lungs and feeling the earth's tilting path (Muscatel will help get you there if needed), as you enjoy your families, as you enjoy your neighbors and friends, as you enjoy this wonderful season. Who knows, it might even help the pain and shame of being OUT this early. The rest of you animals, still caged, will be glued to your addiction like David Letterman at a production staff meeting. THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE awaits.

It was a bad week for Roman Polanski, President Obama, and five really dumb animals. THE ZOOKEEPER was forced to move decisively this week, delivering swift justice to five animals who so deservedly needed a good beating. BANJO, DUKE, and NEUTRON 1,2, and 3 (yes, the entire lithium isotope) were all banished from their cages in an act of DISQUALIFICATION for selecting the same team for the second time (yes, after only 3 weeks of such intense study). These nattering nabobs of negativity protested in vain their explanations to a point where THE ZOOKEEPER had to call out his two most recent security hirings - Delonte West and Chuck Knoblauch - to take the matter under control. At the end of the day, they just didn't check their picks. Their cages will be left hanging on pikes at the entrance way to the VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER as a warning to all animals who may be tempted to the specious attraction of going rogue. Don't mess with THE ZOOKEEPER's instructions. Check your picks before game time.

As you feed on the numbers provided below, consider the selection sent in by one sponsor this week for his animal, SPECIAL K, - the Oilers. Hmmmm... Are those throwback jerseys getting to you SPECIAL K, or did you hear that George Blanda and Sammy Baugh were coming back? Weren't you a Derrick Doll ? The sponsor, debating the possible intention between Titans, Texans, and Edmonton, finally went with Texans for her. We hope she checks her pick. Here are the other football genius selections for the week:

3084 OUT, 5 DQ'D, 3603 IN. 909 49ERS, 856 DA BEARS, 720 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 477 TEXANS, 452 COLTS, 104 BENGALS, 31 NATIVE AMERICANS, 16 SAINTS, 14 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS (bastards), 7 BILLS, 7 COWBOYS, 3 TITANS, 2 VIKINGS, and five brave lone wolves, 1 DOLPHIN, 1 PATRIOT, 1 JAGGYWIRE, 1 BUC, and 1 RAVEN.

PICK OF THE WEEK (other than that Oiler selection) gets down to JAKESTER with the 2 point home dog Dolphins, NADEAU NATION MW with the 2 point home favorite Patriots, KAZIK with the 3 point home dog Jaggywires, FIRECRACKER 44 with the 7 point road dog Bucs, and GREENBAY 5 taking the 2 point road dog Ravens. Award has to be split between NADEAU NATION and GREENBAY 5 with that mano a mano showdown in Foxboro. Gutsy picks, animals.

That's all for this week. Condolences to you broad shoulder Windy City animals. Cardiac ND takes on the Trojan killing Huskies this week in a tough match up. Special nod to Billy Safire, Ed Perlowski, and Iris. Don't bother Googling the latter two. They were LMS friends who lived their quiet lives far from the madding crowd. Full many a gem of purest ray serene, the dark unfathomed caves of oceans bear. Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its sweetness on the desert air. Peace. Out.