CyberZahm

Don't panic, frightened ones, financial markets may be crashing around you, but the cages, despite a nearly 50% drop in the first two weeks, are still solvent. It's going to be alright...

... The money is safer than a $500 Nassau bet with Andrew Giulliani. I can't tell you where the money is hidden for obvious reasons (OJ and his buddies might be listening), but you should know that THE ZOOKEEPER went long on Muscatel futures a while ago, and shorted Bisphenol A stocks just in time. That, and the investment killing made years ago backing John McCain with his Blackberry thing, has the LMS funds in better shape than Charley Rangel's rent revenue. It is sitting safe from Wall Street's rain, just waiting for you football geniuses to claim your rightful reward. Fifteen weeks to go. Only SLUGGO and those two guys from AIG have suggested a split right now.

We had LMS history made in WEEK TWO, as RULE 12, the constitutional cornerstone of fairness, justice, equality, and the American way, was invoked for the first time, with an emergency solution to Ike's pummeling of Galveston and Houston, chasing Ravens and Texans into the safety of hastily prepared shelter cages. Unfortunately, those Seahawk shelters were prepared by FEMA crews. Heck of a job, animals ......

So here's the deal: 4 Ravens and 15 Texans will square off in a rescheduled game on November 9. Those 19 (if still caged) will also pick a second game that week for their regular pick. They will not be able to change those picks. NO OTHER ANIMALS WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE THE RAVENS OR TEXANS THAT WEEK (you've had your WEEK TWO pick, it was already played). Anyone who disagrees with this ruling can send suggestions for a better solution to THE ZOOKEEPER, C/O THE VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER. All the letter carriers know where to deliver that mail.

LAST WARNING: ANIMALS, LISTEN UP: you need to check your picks each week. Work out whatever deal you want with your sponsors but the responsibility is yours. We had several "cage flip" errors in WEEK TWO (happens every year) that fortunately were able to be straightened out (with a lot of ZOOKEEPER aggravation untangling the knots). You will be sorry if you don't. We'll bring in Carly Fiorina to get you in line if we need to do so. As someone once said, "Enough is enough". Here are this week's numbers:

3198 OUT. 3431 IN. 1103 BILLS, 839 CHEATING PATRIOTS, 588 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 389 SEAHAWKS, 211 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 86 TITANS, 77 FALCONS, 47 BRONCOS, 22 COLTS (bastards), 18 DA BEARS, 13 49ERS, 6 VIKINGS, 6 COWBOYS, 6 RAVENS, 5 NATIVE AMERICANS, 4 BROWNS, 3 EGGLES, 2 CHEFS, 2 PANTHERS, 1 DOLPHIN, 1 RAM, 1 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELER, 1 PACKER.

PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS focuses on the incredible STANK ASS JOEY WAX, who goes for number 37 straight this week with the Giants, attempting to stand alone ahead of the legendary CAPTAIN AMERICA with his soon to be famous run of consecutive victories. Not since Michael Phelps tightened the bolts on the Bulgarian's touch plate has anybody seen such a performance. Good luck SAJW. The animals, always supportive of others, are all hoping that Ed Hochuli has your game, JOEY. Other notables here are the lone picks - MONZ on the 13 point road dog Dolphins (yeah, we're checking that one - no animal is THAT stupid, are they?), TEMP331 with the lone Ram pick (we think he's Scott Linehan's cousin), LITTLE MAN on the Steelers, and MAC1031 going with the Packers to knock off the Cowboys. You got what you wanted, guys: your name in fame.

Irish go the next step towards their undefeated season this week tuning up for USC in a couple .... That's it for this week. Gotta run. Peace. Out.